you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
