a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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