Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
