Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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