the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
