I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
