You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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