I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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