I think im going to throw up on grandma
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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