whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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