My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
