I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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