I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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