put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
