Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize