she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
