This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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