In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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