How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
