She went from zero to smokin in five shots
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
