just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
