oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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