I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
