I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
