Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
