Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize