Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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