Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
