i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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