I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
