Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
