i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
