Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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