when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
