Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
