I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
