I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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