My first STD was from a foam party
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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