if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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