if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
