after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
