i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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