i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
