my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
