we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
