Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
