I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
