I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
