Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
