While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
