I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
