No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
