8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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