who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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