are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
