Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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