Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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