My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
