I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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