I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
